Actually, my husband first broached the subject nearly 3 years ago; his son has adhd, and was diagnosed in 1997 when he was 10 -- so my husband knew something about the disorder long before anyone in my family did. When he mentioned that my niece exhibited more than a few adhd behaviors a few years ago, I started looking into that possibility then -- but it didn't go any further than a mere suggestion to Sis.

But after I was diagnosed last fall, I talked a heckuva lot to my mom about the disorder and what I was learning -- and then I started to bring it up vis-a-vis my niece. (My mom looks after my niece several times a week, and she's just feeling like she's at the end of her rope all the time.)

About a month ago, I finally took a stab at talking to Sis about it -- after I felt comfortably knowledgeable about it as well as confident that I could alleviate her fears and misgivings. She really resisted at first, arguing with me that her daughter "isn't hyperactive" and that her grades are not bad and so don't warrant intervention.

But I gently pressed her about her daughter's continued social troubles, about the nagging immaturities she has compared to other kids her age in terms of daily routines and expectations, etc. I stressed that Niece's "symptoms" don't seem nearly as severe as some case studies I've read or the typical stories we hear of adhd kids in the media -- but that didn't mean she wasn't struggling or that it wouldn't get worse without treatment.

Seemed like she calmed down the more I explained that being diagnosed with adhd doesn't mean her kid is retarded or even less intelligent.

At the same time, however, my guess is that she won't do anything about it. When teachers have complained about Niece's behavior in the past, Sis chalks it up to "bad teacher." When my mom has tried to reason with Sis about Niece's behavior, Sis chalks it up to Mom always having unrealistic expectations. Her favorite excuse throughout Niece's life has been, "But she's only (fill in the blank with age) years old!" So my mom feels guilty because she then thinks she's demanding too much of Niece, and the whole cycle starts again. Ugh.

Practically speaking, my sis is a single mother who commutes nearly two and a half hours to and from work everyday. And because her adhd (undiagnosed) as well as the emotional issues from her past that she's never quite come to terms with, she tends to get home at night and on weekends and just stay there. Almost no social life, doesn't feel obligated to involve Niece in extracurricular activities or social stuff. She has MS (not debilitating yet) and migraines and is rather obese and stubbornly sedentary. All of this adds up in such a way that she'll never find time to take Niece to a qualified professional for testing or diagnosis! This drives me crazy!

She gave me excuses like "the insurance won't pay for it" or "I don't have time" -- to which I said I'd pay for it, and my mom would happily take her to a reputable therapist. She just finds other excuses. In the meantime, life is getting more difficult and out of control for Niece.

I love my sis, and she and I have always been extraordinarily close and the best of friends. I don't like making her feel bad/guilty about this. I'm not interested in making her Exhibit A for bad parenting. What I'm concerned about is giving Niece the best possible chance to succeed in school and in life.

I don't press my sister to go get tested herself -- because it's her life and it's her choice. She has some vague sense that adhd (or something) has made things more difficult for her/us compared to many others with our intelligence and talents. But she's got a solid job and a house and a good family and a couple friends -- and as far as she's concerned, why question that? Fair enough.

But this doesn't extend to Niece as far as I can see. Must she too live through the sort of pain and frustration and confusion for years and years -- when she doesn't need to? The sort of trouble and struggle that's happening now strikes me as needless. But I don't know what to do.