Every day when I wake up I have been trying to find comfort in the statement, "one day at a time." Sometimes I have to say it over and over again. The last week has been especially difficult. I don't know why. I have been managing to do more to take care of myself, the methods of trying to heal -- therapy twice a week, couples therapy once a week, Al Anon once a week and ACoA for the first time this week. Maybe all of that is taking a toll. I am just so tired of feeling "stuck." So I feel compelled.
I don't know what else to do with myself.
I know that being an adult child can bring on issues in both work and in relationships. My relationship with my partner has been a struggle but has been pretty successful (still with many issues on both sides). But we have both been working hard on our relationship for the 4 years that we have been in it. Work, on the other hand, has been impossible. Over the past 4 years since I've been in this relationship with my partner, I have finished at my last job and only had 1 other that didn't even last a year. And when I left it, I had a nervous breakdown and slept for two weeks. I am constantly frustrated at what work means to me. It is where I have seen most of the scars from my traumatic past. My mother (an alcoholic) has had over 60+ jobs since she began working and (in part) attributed her depression to every one of them. As an excellent worker, she did well in every one. But -- it was never right. Both of my parents made it clear to me that work was necessary evil. There are many other reasons that the idea of work outside the home is so confusing to me. I am not totally sure yet how one can work outside the home and not give themself up completely; sell their body, mind and soul so to speak. There are other reasons why I feel like no decision about work I will ever make is right. Until I come to new realizations about myself in the world I will try to keep the household going and keep working on myself... and doing my artwork.
I often ask, "what is WRONG with me??" Why can't I just function like every body else I see. Have a job, have a relationship, keep it together, it's no big DEAL! But... it is a big deal.
This morning I spent some time browsing some self-help books online. One title caught my eye: After The Tears.
The title caught my eye because I have been wanting to say that my role as an adult daughter has passed.
That was then, this is now. The thing is, it hasn't passed.
I never sobbed as much or as hard as the last time I went to visit my mother. I felt my entire body melt into a puddle of despair brought on by her drinking and yelling. The last time I went to see my dad, he couldn't walk straight when he got up from the meal. His wife had to steady him as we walked around a store together later on, so he wouldn't fall into the produce. Ugh. This all still effects me. I admit it. I am NOT out of the anger period because this s*^t is still happening. I am trying to apply what I have heard in meetings or read in program-approved literature. Just... such a slow process. All in all I want to (try to?) let myself grieve more. This kind of stuff would mess someone up, I try to say to myself, anyone.
It's hard, life is hard. I am trying to be more gentle with myself. I guess. Trying.
Thanks for listening.
E.