Thanks ((((((sundog)))))) and (((((((sanityseeker))))))) for your responses. I apologize for giving vent to the poor frame of mind I was in last night. I fear that I do this too often, and I need to do better at containing and soothing myself, rather than splash all over the place, possibly harming others in the process. I am sorry. I also feel for the difficult times that you both face. I had some snow dumping problems myself. It's very aggravating. I'm glad that you, SS have such good neighbors. I feel for the struggle with low self-esteem and anxiety. Today is a 2 year anniversary of the loss of someone important to me. I'm struggling a lot with mood and drive. Still, I want to find more resilience within. I need to stop running from everything that seems difficult, aversive. I wonder to what degree my poor concentration is worsened by constant self-talk about how poor my concentration is. My mind is very suggestible. I have to bring to mind memories of peaceful moments, even blissful moments that I've had, not caused by external circumstances, but by a shift in consciousness, or by "grace". I can't force this to reoccur, but I can choose to sow seeds, and choose how to respond to negative states when they arise. My mind so automatically frequently veers toward the negative. It takes vigilance and effort to address the pattern. I need to call up greater willingness to make the effort, and not pull the blankets over my head, passively wishing it would all just get better somehow. This is my life and my misfiring brain. Today, I'll try for greater acceptance of what shows up in my life, not apathy or victimhood, but fighting or fleeing.

A few years ago, I began experiencing hearing music in my head. I don't know what caused it. It isn't psychosis. It doesn't respond to medication. It's pretty much constant, and extremely annoying, though very low in volume. A Buddhist teacher, maybe Pema Chodron, used the phrase, "and this, too", meaning when we think we can't take any more adversity, there's yet more to open to, to accept.

Onward, you spiritual warriors.