yup. he'd just picked me up from an appointment with my doctor (when i'd just told her everything, but of course he did not know this) and the first thing he says to me is "so, did she make you see sense then? did she make you realise that your life is actually good and that you have no reason to feel like this?" i was planning on opening up to him but after he said that i felt like he'd knocked me down and didnt want to anymore. so i just shrugged my shoulders and said "i dont want to feel like this dad, i cant control it, i wish i didnt" and he just said "i understand sometimes life can seem a bit rubbish, but you've just got to get on with life like everyone else does, rather than all of this" which made me feel awful. i mean i dont want to feel how i do, and i didnt make a deal about it, the only way anyone found out was when i OD'd, i didnt want anyone to know because i felt stupid. then i finally consider letting people help me this time before it gets as bad as it did before he says that. so i didnt want to open up to him after that. he says he tries to understand, and i know he wants me to think he's making an effort to and to be there, but i know he does that reluctantly and things im just being attention seeking or something. then theres mum whos the total opposite, she tries too hard to be there and to understand that its suffocating. so yeah :L
i think maybe dad thinks its his fault, because when i was younger i was genuinly afraid of him like when he got angry, he'd have me up against the wall or smash things at my feet and go as if he would punch me and then stop. i've learnt that as long as i dont get him angry and wind him up then its fine. but i think he knows maybe thats part of where it started. the thing is, i love him, he's amazing. i dont want to sound bad to him, he's lovely, he's not been like that in a year. i just think thats part of it. but he's not like that anymore.
ah i dont know. i'm confused. i love my parents but i dont want to have to deal with critisism and then suffocating caring. :/