I think I mentioned I have some major, major triggering events going on last week and this week.

Last week, T was awesome. We had a 2-hr session and she also emailed me 2x/day to help me through the week. Just a sentence or two to let me know she was thinking about me and to give me some positive thoughts. It really helped. I felt her care.

Tomorrow is the really BIG BIG thing I have to do re: seeing my abuser. And I went today for my session with T and checked in at reception and the receptionist said "that will be xxx dollars" which is TWICE what I paid last week for my 2-hr session.

I told her I thought she had made a mistake. T and I had agreed to a reduced rate so that I can afford longer sessions (she doesn't take insurance). Otherwise, I just need to stick to 1-hr.

So, the receptionist said I could ask T about it and pay at the end. So I walked in and asked T if she would clarify the arrangement. And she said xxx (1/2 the amount the receptionist said). And I said "per session?" and she said "oh no. per hour."

So, in fact the rate is double what I was thinking/planning for. And I respect that this is her rate, even on a slight discount, but it's just cost prohibitive for me.

I'm a consultant, so the I really get the money thing. I respect that. But I feel like she should have been clearer. And I told her that. She apologized and said she could lower it a little more, but even that amount is too much for my budget. Plus, I just would feel more uncomfortable. The first discounted rate is a rate she offers "many" of her clients, she said. The lowest rate she said she only does in very rare circumstances and when she really feels like the client is working hard on his/her end.

But the rest of the session, it was bothering me. It felt like all the good feelings of genuine care and connection from last week just went POOF! Gone.

I asked T if I could leave early and she encouraged me to stay and talk about it and to talk about the thing that's happening tomorrow, and so I stayed and we talked more about it.

It helped a little, but I just felt completely shut down and untrusting of everything she was saying. So I did leave early.

I think I know the core issue here--being deserving of someone's care and believing it is true and genuine.

But at the moment, that doesn't really matter. I feel like this is unfixable. Or, at the very least, it feels like we took about 10 HUGE steps backward at a time when I really, really really REALLY need some genuine care.

What would you do? T wants me to email her my thoughts, and I just don't even know what to say that would help.