As far as I'm concerned, ChipmunkGal, there should be no competition, winners, or losers at this point as you and your husband are in a committed relationship, and he should be here, in the present with you, while looking towards a future together. His insistence on venerating his past to the point of torturing you is reprehensible and pathetic, and I get the impression he enjoys watching you scramble to make sense of an unresolvable situation he's engineered for his own pleasure. I'm not sure how long you've been married, by what means you initially realized his long-standing feelings for someone he cannot have, or for how long he's been toying with you, but his game playing surely must stop.

One strategy you may want to consider employing is allowing him to have his sad little obsession without any reaction from you for awhile. This approach is not for the faint of heart, as it will require you to rein in your feelings and control your reactions to his machinations. When he attempts to draw comparisons between you and his ancient ex, you could make nonchalant remarks such as "Yes, you've told me that, honey," and go about your business or change the subject to something banal. If he realizes he can't get a rise out of you anymore, he may stop. Or, he may paper your garage with pictures of her, one cannot be sure. I realize this is a controversial way of approaching the problem, akin to allowing a child to gorge themselves on cookies until they get a stomach ache, or letting a kid flail around and have their tantrum until they're spent, but it may buy you some time and offer you some perspective also, as to whether you wish to continue in this relationship with a partner who isn't emotionally invested.

His ex is NOT better than you; she's another human being who is living her life independent of your husband and has nothing to do with your lives except for his inability to let her go and then blame you for it. You are NOT pathetic--you've been given unreasonable and unattainable standards to live up to, and you have the option not to participate in that morass and cultivate your own set of quality standards by which you abide. I am so sorry for all the sadness, anxiety, and frustration with which you seem to be dealing, and I hope you are able to fight your way out of this.

Best of luck to you, ChipmunkGal--I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.