I thank you all for thoughtful inputs. As it turns out belief systems are probably the core importance here. I think I have so much emotional disturbances because of negative core beliefs deeply rooted in my subconciosu mind. I strongly believe this is caused in childhood. But it just sucks that I cannot remember what really happend, who said what, what happened to whom. I just remember having really low self-esteem as a child.
I'm studying belief system these days. One helpful website discusses why people get confused. Many people who have problems with their lives think they are positive thinkers. However, everyone can think of positive things when positive things are happening. But it's really the time when hardships fall on you, you can assess your true belief system. For example, one might think about all the positive thinking and have positive belief system and when he fails at something, he might say, "I knew it. I knew I was going to fail" Now this is deeply rooted false core beliefs in Subconcious mind. So this website said whenever I feel like I am a loser or I failed at something, I have to listen to my inner voice.
Everyone has different negative core belief system. There is really no one-fit-size universal negative corebeliefs. Everyone reacts differently to different beliefs. SOme people might be suffering from the belief "I am not good enough" and some people might have "I am unlovable". So these days I'm trying to remember the times I had emotional pains and what I was telling myself to identify what my negative beliefs are. But honestly, I can't really remember because whenever bad things happen I always tell myself I am a okay person, but I just feel HORRRIBLE. So...I'm kind confused. Do I really have false core beliefs? Or is it something else?
But I know one thing that has been bothering and annoying me my entire life. Whenever I get responses from someone I didn't expect, for example, I want them to respond with smile and with all positive tone, I feel really bad and I immediately get into self-analysis mode ( I named it). Then I think "did I do somethig wrong? If I said it in a better way, would thatperson have talked to me like that?" "What is wrong with me? If I was a smarter and better person, I probably would have gotten better response. yea it must be me. If I am a powerful being, he wouldn't have talked to me like that." These kind of thinking are followed by great emotional pains that I feel in my gut area. It feels like something just hit my stomach. ....Yea I don't know what is wrong with me. This has been bothering all my life. A few weeks ago, a college friend who I have been hanging out with me didn't call me for a long time, so I called her. For many times, she told me she will callme right back but didn't. It's obvious she is doin gthat on purpose. And I was telling myself "Yea I knew it. I knew the relationship was going to end like this." "Just when is my life going to get better?"
ERr......I don't know what kind of negative beliefs I have. I am so lost....