To start you had a full blown affair, own it. Your wife doesnt set you off, you are reacting to what she says or does. Have you both sat down and discussed triggers? talk about setting up safeguards in your marriage? no secrets? all passwords to e-mail, phone, facebook are known to both of you?

The truth is you're in for a long journey my friend. As far as knowing if she is going through the motions, you wont know. While in therapy do YOUR work and dont worry about her. You cant control it, so dont waste energy in that area.

My wife had an affair and is now the one continually accusing me of cheating. I have one foot out the door because it is UNBEARABLE. You are going to be hypersensitive right now, but what is accusing her going to do? you cheated too, not just her. You will push her away if you continue on with the accusations.

Good luck with your counseling. I hope you can come out of this stronger, and wiser as both a couple and individuals.