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That happens to me a lot Lavie... timing out before I post. Surprise surprise given how long I can ramble. Not! Lol. Now if I think I might time out I will copy my message for added security but usually there is a message telling me to refresh the page and sign in again. When I do it takes me right back to my post with everything still there and I click send. Sometimes I will compose a post in MSWord and then cut and paste it here. Another thing I do is copy and save as I go along so if something does happen mid way through I can just paste it again.
I had a very therapeutic visit to the river this afternoon. I wasn't sure I was going to go that far but I was at least going to make it the mail box at the end of the block. I was feeling okay when I got to the mailbox so I decided to head in the direction of the river to continue my walk.
On the walk to the mailbox I was progressively able to stay in the moment by observing what was around me. Of course I was seeing faces and shapes in the piles of snow so that was fun. I saw a tunnel through a snow pile some kids had dug out and it reminded me of my childhood. It made me smile. I looked up at my power rocks and gazed upon the images revealing themselves. I acknowledged them and thanked them for sharing my walk with me.
I made the mistake of opening a piece of mail that turned out to be upsetting. As I continued walking while reading the letter my anxiety started to escalate again to the point of crying under the stress. I told myself that this was not the time to be reading my mail. I was walking to reduce anxiety not trigger it. I stuffed the letter into my pocket and determined to work my way back into mindlessness.
I noticed I had dropped a glove. I looked around and saw it on the road. I turned back to go get it. I noticed when I got there that it was pretty much at the exact spot where I started reading the letter. It was like I was being led back to the place where I had cut off my mindlessness; like I was given a do-over. I proceeded to do just that.
Resuming my walk the anxiety still dogged me with thoughts about that letter. I fought hard to keep back the tears and to find my way back to my breath. I noticed how the fighting was working against me. The strain of the fight just ramped up the anxiety. I had thought I was doing it, like I always would try to control it spinning out of control. Then I remembered some of the teachings shared here and from my recent readings and instead of fighting the anxiety I choice to name it, to take a deep breath and let myself to feel it, to dis-empower it and to then release it and free myself of its grip.
I continued down the road still feeling the pangs of anxiety but less since I had named it. It was surprising to me that just by naming it I felt lighter, more detached from it and I was able to breathe again. As I inhaled I said, 'freedom in, and as I exhaled I said, 'anxiety out'. I repeated this until I began to feel less bound and was able to return to observing and taking in all that was around me.
As I got closer to the river I imagined how pretty it was going to be with all the snow capping the rocks and resting on the branches of the trees. As I got closer I was disappointed to see the pathway down blocked by a pile of snow. What is up with these piles of snow always blocking me in or blocking me out, I thought. The anxiety rose. I scaled over the pile to discover that the path down was not really passable. It’s tricky at the best of times let alone covered in snow.
I stood overlooking the river above on a small clearing and took in the sights. Of course I saw a mask in one direction and an animal shape in another and still another over there. I greeted each of them. I then felt a need to pray.
I cried deeply as I prayed. At first I tried to fight the tears. It was such habit to resist the crying; to try to take a deep breath and try to stuff it; to control it; to prevent a downward spiral.
I can't remember the last time I let myself cry like that. I had become afraid to cry because it seemed to just increase the anxiety. I needed to fight harder to keep it under control. This was different. This cry brought healing and freedom. I was able to lay down my fears; my worries; everything that had me tied up with a sense of doom. It was all very intense. I cried like a little baby with ever part of my being engaged. Once I had gone full circle with my prayers my crying began to subside. I stayed on the bank of the river to rest in mindlessness; to observe the gifts of Creator’s beauty all around me.
Still quite tender and emotionally fragile and not ready yet to go, I was reminded of what of what Lavie had shared with us about singing. It had been a long time since I sang with the river. I sang for a while; one song after the other. While singing I noticed how I was breathing. I would inhale deeply from my belly and exhale with song until there was no breath to sing with before I would inhale again. As I sang the songs become more joyous. They became lighter. I was being lifted as though by magic. I had no tobacco to offer so before I turned to leave I offered words of thanks to Creator, the ancestors, the gifts of the natural world and the universe.
When I felt I was done and it was time to head home within a few steps I notice a bounce in my step. On my way to the river my boots felt like lead and every step was a chore. I even started to skip down the road. I felt free like a child might feel with not a care in the world interfering with their fun. Walking in the direction of my power rocks I immediately connected with a face of a lion. I had noticed it while praying in the direction of the cliff. It wasn’t long before I spotted other faces, human and animal. I came upon what looked like a smiling Buddha. He made me smile. Other humorous images started to pop out at me. I heard myself talking to them. Acknowledging them and thanking them for revealing themselves to me. Each time I would notice an new image I heard myself say, 'Well look at you aren't you clever, hiding in there.' Then I would laugh.
It soon struck me that anytime I turn to the rocks for strength and guidance I see images that match my need. Today I needed to laugh and play so those were the images that visited me.
I came home with a dance in my step and a song in my heart. It was like night and day between where I was at when I left and where I was when I returned home. The lightness and the freedom stuck with me for the rest of the day. I am tired now, but a good tired. A peaceful tired. I am grateful for the lesson I learned today. I am grateful for the gifts of healing that were showed upon me. I feel so much lighter.
I hope my story encourages others to keep the hope alive.
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