Ugh. It definitely sounds like she wasn't hearing you. T not hearing me, and not understanding what I'm saying, is the NUMBER ONE worst thing for me in therapy. Worst than all of the feelings, all of the stories, all of the other stuff that comes along with therapy. Talk about crappy timing.

In the end, all of my disconnects with T really DID turn into opportunities to grow, and really did bring us closer together. But while it's happening, that doesn't feel like it matters at all. It just hurts, and feels too hard and too confusing and too lonely.

I wonder if just for today, you can set this aside, and focus on the caring and connection you felt last week? It's hard for me to remember when I am in a disconnect with T that he DOES care and that really, we are two connected people in a moment of not understanding each other. In the past, love was followed so swiftly by hate, and happiness was followed so swiftly by conflict, and it really WAS black and white. Because I wasn't actually loved, and the happiness wasn't real. Those feelings were fleeting, and always turned out to be wrong.

With T, I'm learning that even in the midst of misunderstanding, there is this steady foundation of love and caring that doesn't change. Even when he says something stupid or just totally misses the mark, it's not because he feelings about me have changed or weren't ever real in the first place. It's a moment of yuck that doesn't change the underlying connection and safety.

Thinking of you today, (((((((((griffin)))))))))).