(((((Lynn))))),
I understand your situation.....know how difficult it is to be living in an impossible situation without being able to do anything about it. I was there for so many years also & it was when the blowup's happened that constantly reinforced my knowledge that there was no way it was going to be a permanent situation & kept aware of when the move out could happen.
I allowed myself to stay in the marriage because I had my career to escape into for 25 years.....but after my career ended, my depression got so bad because I no longer had my identity, nor my escape from the marriage that I was never happy in from the beginning.
My bad reaction was constantly attempting to end my life for many years after that point......finally got out of that mode, but was constantly miserable. It wasn't until my Mother died & left me everything (I was the only child & my dad had died 15 years before). Because of the trauma I went through with my mother, I couldn't even get back into the house for almost a year to get in sold......but immediately took that money & moved 2200 miles away to were I didn't know anyone. Initially wasn't going to be the break it ended up being, but being away from him & getting my farm fixed up......gave me the final insight that I could take care of myself by myself (I had been so sick before that, had my doubts at times) & absense didn't make my heart grow stronger, but made my heart realize just how much I couldn't stand living with him & how much I couldn't trust him to not lie to me about everything & realized just how irresponsible he really was.
Know that part isn't the same as your situation......but I can definitely relate to that horrible trapped feeling thinking that having to continue living like that seems like it will never end. We go back into tolerance mode when things go back to non-confrontational mode, but as soon as a confrontation flairs up......wham....the realization & the knowledge that we are just tolerating our situation comes to the forefront once again.
The only hope I can give you is that it won't be this way forever & when the right time & situations come together for your financial freedom so you can get out hits, you will be right there, ready to go.
I am so sorry that these flair up's hit.....emotional abuse hurts in deep ways just as physical abuse. I know many women who have felt trapped & the anger builds up.....many of us have said....my goodness, sailors could learn their vocabulary from us when the blow up's happen. I know for me, it got to the point where it became constant by the end & I couldn't have taken much more by the time I was able to leave. Know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.......when God gave me my way out. These blow up's also help us know that we are not supposed to continue tolerating our situation & it's ok & right for us to leave when the out we need comes along.
It caused a lot of stress, but by the end, I kept thinking on ways I could leave & running ideas through my mind while trying to stay in the tolerance mode.....which was also why when triggered even a little, I would blow up & not care what I had to say. Think at times we need to vent because of all the stress we have building up with the tolerance we are trying to hold onto....not that we create the situation we use to vent, but we take advantage of situations that happen to vent when we get to that point. I found that the awful things I said were things I really felt & really meant even though they really could be said in a much more reasonable way......when we tolerating for so long & the steam needs to be blown off.....I know for me it was ok. Never wanted my daughter to be around when I blew, but many times when she was younger, she was there because I just couldn't hold anything back any longer. There is nothing wrong with having to vent at times......so don't feel bad.....your reactions are normal for the situation you are in. We can't have the self-control constantly to hold it in......when the steam builds up in a pressure cooker, it has no where to go other than to blow up......we are no different as humans especially when we are holding onto being civil & tolerant so much of the time.
Your way out will come to you & your girls.....keep up that hope & believe it.....but also don't beat yourself up about the blow up's that are normal when trying to tolerate bad situations until the right time arrives.
Sending you many

&

along with my deep understanding of how you are feeling