thank you guys SO MUCH for thinking about me. I know I haven't been very active here lately, and it feels good to know I haven't been forgotten.

Things are rough right now, mostly with behavior issues with both of my teenage boys. There is a lot of verbal abuse going on, and I have been working with them every way I know how for the past 2 months to try to get them to stop.

It is really really hard to hear T say that she doesn't know what to tell me as far as the kids go. It feels like...if T doesn't know how to handle it, what next?? I'm at the point today of feeling like it's kind of hopeless. I can't live with this kind of abuse, I do know that. I WON'T live with it. But I don't know what to do.

I'm still seeing T weekly, as usual. Calling her maybe a little more than I would like (2-4 times a week lately), but I desperately need her support right now. I think, too, I am missing some of the closeness I felt with her in the past. I think I am at an awkward stage of recovery where I don't NEED T as much as maybe I did a year ago, but I am also very much afraid of that not needing. So I find myself testing the water, to make sure T is still there.

For example, I sent her a text the afternoon of my session that said "I feel...sad? I'm having a hard time transitioning from therapy mode to student mode. Growing up is hard. Can you tell me it's still okay to call you?"

I have mixed feelings. I want to cry when I think about not having T in my life someday, and at the same time, I feel good knowing that I could make it on my own without her now, if I had to. I think by the time I am done seeing her I will have worked through that and will be at the point of not feeling so sad about losing that connection.

I think T and I will start the anxiety therapy protocol next week. When I saw her this Tues she spent some time having me tell her about all the physical symptoms and the different thoughts that go along with my anxiety. I didn't ask her what comes next or how we will do it, I think I was caught up in that feeling of there not being enough time to talk and I didn't want to "waste" any of it.