I am sorry for your grief Lavie and for your present stugglings. I truely feel for you. If you don't mind I would like to share something with you that was life altering for me.

I lost my mother 30 years ago this April and not a day goes by that I don't miss her physical presence in my life. But over the years the grieving for my loss has turned to celebrating her life, her gifts and most of all the gift of loving her she left in my heart forever.

For the first 10 years, when the calendar turned to April I would started to sink into major depression. It would last through to July. In that time I had to deal with my birthday, mother's day and father's day (I was estranged from my father and still carrying a lot of pain because of it). It was very painful and if anything the depression was more intense as each year came and went.

I met my partner the year of my mum's tenth year gone from this world. When April rolled around and the signs of depression started up he suggested I needed to do what in his culture is called a 'Feast for the dead'. He was concerned I was holding on to her too tightly and that my grief was preventing her from crossing over into the spirit world.

He consulted a spiritual teacher from his territory and together we prepared a feast at the spot where her ashes had been spread. When we finished the ceremony and prayers I was given a vision of her being set free. I saw a cloud in the shape of a women dancing across the sky and I knew it was her being released. The joy that filled me caused me to dance with her and to finally say goodbye.

The next year rolled around and while I was expecting the depession to hit, it never did. I too had been set free for the bonds of grieve.

For the last 20 years on her birthday I have prepared a small feast for her at home. I cook one of her favourite meals and while we eat I share storied with my son about his grandmother. It is a beautiful way to keep her memory alive and to pass the stories of her life on to the next generation.

Because this April will be the 30th anniversary of her passing over I am planning for a large family feast on the land of her birth, where her ashes were spread and where several family members still live. I am looking forward to sharing this special time with my family in celebration of her life. The stories will be wonderful.

I have suggested feasting in celebration of lost loved ones to other people and those who have tried it have experienced, like me, a great healing and a beautiful sense of freedom. When I began to understand how my grief had held her back and when I had experienced her release, I also understood the importance of celebration. Celebration of her life and thanksgiving for her gifts. She is always present and free.

I hope your grief passes and transforms and that you are comforted by the momories of the times you shared. You are blessed to have loved. May you feel the blessings and may it lift you up and bring you peace.