My Support Forums - View Single Post - Meditation anyone? 30 minutes a day for 8 weeks... you in?

sanityseeker · 04:51 AM

I never thought of it that way Sun but you are right we are creating a level of intimacy.... and hey!! I am not panicked about it either. I have a really problem with intimacy. The vulnerability scares me. So this is healing for me to have a kind of intimacy and feel safe with it. Nice.

I am glad you were moved by my celebration of my mum's life. My ex is a very traditional man. Many traditional and sacred teachings have been passed down to him and he does carry the responsibility of those teachings on behalf of his family. He has always been a source of strength for me. We remain best friends to this day.

I am sorry for your loss Sun. I hope as time passes you are able to work through the pain and find the cause of celebration. I believe it will come to you when you are ready to receive. I pray you find some healing and the peace that it brings.

You have to remember Sun that I have been on this merry go round for 10 without any significant outside treatment until just recently when I finally gave in and took the help that was offered to me. I had so many bad experiences with doctors and meds that to even consider going that route caused so much anxiety I ran in the other direction.

I have been very much alone in my recovery. I disconnected from my family, my friends, my community. I could not be around people without it triggering a meltdown. I was dying a slow death. I lost my partner, my 6 figure income, my reason for living. I was either racing in circle or a walking vegetable. I thought there was no hope and I just wanted it all to end. If not for my son my life may very well have ended.

Consequently I did have many many years of the kind of reactive, automatic panic response you describe. I got sicker and sicker until my symptoms had totally incapacitated me. I was stuck in my house for almost 2 years. Couldn’t drive, couldn’t have anyone in my house, talk on the phone, watch tv or do much of anything but lay in bed and avoid life. My poor son was so neglected but somehow we have survived. He has had a good education about mental illness for whatever that may be worth to him going forward. It has to have value or it would not have come into his live to experience. Isn’t that how it works Sunset? Choosing the learning to strengthen your spirit.

I was total bound by my symptoms Sun and all I had was me and my faith in a higher power and understanding of the spirit world from which to buld an understanding to be able to figure out how to cope and how to get loose from the chains. I thought I would never see the light of day again. Somedays all I had was prayer and a sliver of hope for what seemed impossible.

I have a background in teaching personal wellness and importance of balance and harmony. Looking back I see parallels to cognitive behaviour therapy. (One of those do as I say and not as I do kinds of situation) because I couldn’t sustain my walk to match my talk. Though in fairness my symptoms were so acute even then that no matter what I tried I couldn’t hold on to the lesson. I couldn’t sustain the balance to achieve any consistent harmony because there was no consistancy to my moods, my brain activity. I was all over the place. I had a good foundation from which to work with because of what I had been given to teach in terms of knowledge and understanding but it never was enough. It did eventually serve to help me to learn how to apply the principals to the uniqueness of my real situation.

Once I came out of denial about what was really going on with me and was able to put names to what was happening to me, able to put my extreme reactions into the context of mental illness it put me on a new path. The attention turned to coping and recovery. Taking baby steps towards my desired destination of recovery and wellness. I digested every bit of information, every coping skill, every wellness strategy I could find to reinforce and add to what I already understood in principle. I was so desperate to find relieve, to reclaim my life without the aid of doctors and meds that because of that my arsenal of coping mechanism had to grow. I had nothing else to lean on but myself.

So while I share in your celebration of my progress I just want to encourage you that your time will come. You will reach that place of greater understanding of your own mind. An understanding that puts you back in the driver’s seat and no longer a passenger on the crazy bus to nowhere. I think it is important to keep the focus on one step at a time. Baby steps. I used to use that as an avatar name. Baby steps. It served to remind me to be patient and kind with myself and to just keep making one baby step at a time. With each step you gain new understanding and with every new understanding you reclaim your personal power.

Another key lesson I have learned along the way, that really helped me find a perspective was when my symptoms were really acting up and I was in real distress I would remind myself of two things.... my brain is playing tricks on me.... and it’s the symptom it’s not you.... with practice you can learn to become the master of your own life again. Your symptoms can be tamed.

I know I have made great progress and it is beginning to show more and more. I compare now to even 6 months ago and it is like night and day. I will reluctantly give some credit to the med treatment. I don’t rely on it to sustain me. I know I have to do most of the work but the meds really have made it easier for me to do that work without symptoms flaring up and messing with my brain, which mess with my body, my emotions and my spirit.

I held on if just barely to the hope that I would some how find my way back to my life. Then it become clearer and clearer to me that ‘back’ may not be as I perceived it to be. What is now and what is yet to come is not to reclaim what was but rather to be open to what is yet to be.

So believe in your own recovery Sun. Acknowledge the gains no matter how small, how seemingly insignificant. There is no such thing as small or insignificant when it comes to walking towards recovery. You are on that road and while it is really hard where you are right now it will get better. I promise you if I can get better you can too. We all can find our peace and keep it again.

Okay.... I guess I have written another novella again. I really need to write a book.

Sweet dreams and everlasting hope.