Dear Rebecca,

You are struggling with a major illness. Please be kind to yourself. The most important thing is to take care of yourself, everything else pales in comparison. I know it is so hard but try to focus on what step to take next. If need be, can you go to your therapist and say, "this is not working."
A good friend of mine who has struggled with major depression her whole life (she's in her 40s) several years ago started adding TMS (weekly now) and it has really helped her along with medication. Is there any way you could try this new treatment? Sending many supportive thoughts. My heart is with you. I know so clearly the feeling of wanting to curl up in a ball and just be alone and very quiet and of thinking everyone thinks "I'm lazy." It's just not true, it's what the depression tells us...

Elana