Dreamer, the other night I called my T at 12:30am and asked him to give me one good reason why I shouldn't die right now..............not any of the other ones that we had talked about, like my son or because he (my T) wanted me to live........something new and it had to be a good reason.

We got to talking about my night from hell and finally he said to me, "why did you call me? If you had really wanted to die, you would have just done it. You called because some small part of you wanted a reason to keep going........because that small part believes you should be alive. That is the part of you that we have to nuture and shelter until it gets strong enough to survive all the rest. The answer to your question was within you the whole time."

To some extent I agree with him. I could have killed myself many times - I tried twice last week with meds. The amount I consumed should have done it - yet I am still here. I don't want to be, but I am.

I "have" things too, yet in most respects they mean nothing to me because I hate myself and who I am - what I have become and what I haven't. I have choices to make: either improve myself or make sure I succeed next time in my attempt.

You also have choices to make: hopefully life will win.

Mary Alice