TRIGGER for mention of triggering medical procedure at end of post **

I had session with T today. It was the first session I've had since my big thing on Monday night, so it started out kind of celebratory. We talked about Monday, and I chatted about some other things going on in my life.

I've had a weird week, but I was afraid to mention it to him. I've been losing a lot of time, not knowing what month/day/season it is...just not here. I don't know why, but I hate telling T that stuff. So I didn't bring it up, even though it was probably 58495702 times more important than the stuff I was chatting about.

About 20 minutes before the end, I was overwhelmed with the "I want to go home now" feeling. I get that at some point in every session. So. I said "I want to go home now".

T asked if I could check in with myself and imagine leaving right then. If that was the end of session, would I go home feeling like there was something I needed that I didn't get? Or would it feel okay?

I asked him what I needed. He said he wasn't trying to be difficult, that he honestly didn't know. I didn't know either. So I asked him to sit with me.

He came over to the couch and I held his hand and kind of leaned my head on his arm (I had a wicked migraine). We just sat like that for a while, and I breathed. I thought about this week, and how scared I am to tell him about when I lose time and all of that. SO, I decided to talk about talking about it. I told him that there were things that I just couldn't talk about, because I was afraid he would judge me, or wouldn't love me anymore, or think I'm "too crazy". I don't want to be the craziest person he sees

He said that my fear of him "judging" comes up a lot - and it DOES - always around this. So I just told him what had been happening. Just opened my mouth and said it. And I asked if I'm his only client that happens to. He didn't really tell me, but he did tell me that it's really common for survivors to find ways to separate themselves from their experiences, because that's how we learned to survive. So.

He hugged me at the end and he asked if I was okay and I said no. And we said we'd leave each other messages.

I am SO caught in a shame spiral. Ashamed that I dissociate so much and that I can't control it. Ashamed that the fact that I do that just points to the things that happened to me as a child that I HATE HATE HATE. Ashamed that I can't "do better" for T. Shame, shame, shame. Ugh.

I have a VERY VERY triggering medical procedure coming up on Monday. I have to be put to sleep for it and the whole thing is . I've been pushing it away so we didn't even talk about it...or we did, but just a little, almost in passing. And T said "it's triggering because you won't be dressed and you'll be asleep in a room with men" OMG! Well, YEAH. And that's it, I couldn't talk about anymore, but it certainly made me feel more triggered. So there's that too.

I left a long message for T. I hope he says what I need to hear, whatever that is. Shame just makes me want to fall into a giant hole and never ever come out.