OMG, how I relate to this! Just this week, I told my T that there are still things that I am afraid to talk about because I worry that he will judge me, or be disgusted by me, or not want to work with me, and on and on. The shame exists because of the actual events in my brain, THEN the shame exists because I am too afraid to talk about them, and THEN it also exists when I imagine the worst in terms of T's response...... I guess that's why we call it a spiral, huh??!!

I think that it is great that you were able to blurt it out and just get it out in the open with him. At least you know now, that he did not judge you, and that he is not disappointed with you. I always find that when it's really REALLY hard to say something, blurting it out is the only way......of course, it's hard to do though, and I still struggle.

Your post is interesting to me, because I am very hesitant to bring up the dissociating with my T also, and I wonder why that is??? I think that sometimes I'm actually afraid that he will think that I'm exaggerating or being dramatic, which is silly considering he has never given that impression. I also worry that he will think that I am the "craziest patient" or beyond help. And, of course, all of this self-judgement only fuels the shame.

My T is always telling me not to analyze things, just to say them and let him do the analyzing. The losing time really does make sense.....it is scary and unnerving, but it makes sense.

I am sorry that you are feeling all of these things....shame is the worst, the WORST!!! I am in it too, right now, and working very hard to figure out how to climb out of it.

I hope that you can find comfort in the message that T leaves as well as your history of getting through other things and times that have seemed too big and impossible.....