I have been reading back through all these posts wondering why we think about this stuff so much! Why do I think about intimacy, romance, touching, does she like me, am I getting on her nerves, is she going to abandon me, what if I cross a boundary, what if I can't talk, what if I talk too much, what if I say something stupid, what if I make her mad,etc.....the list could go on forever.

I didn't do this with my best friend. I didn't worry about all this stuff, yet we did have disagreements and things from time to time. We just had an understanding about each other, loved each other, and worked through things as they came up.

I know that our therapist is NOT a friend, but it does feel like that most of the time. We do feel like he/she is our best friend, don't we? How can you not feel that way? I honestly think that before you get to that first appointment they should have some kind of booklet or manual to give to you. Ask you to read through it so that you are fully aware of what you are getting yourself into.

I realize this may scare the crap out of some, but I do think we should be told some of this stuff up front. Maybe we need a pretherapy session with someone to go over the process of what therapy is about. I am not sure it will help that much, but at least I am more aware of what to expect.

I sure did NOT expect to have sexual fantasies about my female therapist, I did NOT expect to have so much anxiety between sessions, I did NOT expect to think about her all the time, I did NOT think I would still be in therapy a year later, I did NOT think that I would fall in love with therapy yet hate it at the same time!

And I did not expect to get hooked on PC and spend hours a day talking with my friends about all the great things we experience in therapy, as well as all the insecurities, fears and disappointments that come with it as well. PC is has been an extremely positive thing for me. I would never have made it this far in therapy without the support of you guys.

Great! Talking about my therapist and those sexual fantasies gets things stirred up. Why? The subconscious mind? I am not freaked out by it anymore. I am learning to accept that this is just part of it. I may never totally get past these thoughts. Just like from time to time while in church, I think about him preaching in his underwear and if he had sex with his wife that morning?

Sometimes I think my mind is not right. Kinda like a pinball machine. Thoughts are bouncing off objects and spinning here and there. Connecting one thought with another that totally do NOT go together!

I am definitely feeling manic this weekend!