Wasn't too sure where to post this...every time I try to write about the mess that is my life, it's like a door gets slammed in my face...but what I do remember is...anybody who is prone to triggers, let this be a warning...a condensed version...
when I was but a wee bit of a lad my parents drank very heavily...it would start out fine big laughs and all, but evenually it would turn ugly. my parents would fight and I mean knock down drag out fights...My dad was a mean drunk and when my mother wasn't there to abuse...us kids were. But it always seemed that I would be the one who couldn't get away, mostly because if he caught me he would leave the others alone...I missed alot of school nursing bruises and broken bones...it was always that way...he kicked me down the basement stairs once and left me there...I crawled to a closet because I heard him coming back...2 days in that closet and after that it became my hiding place...
In our basement there was a weird design on the floor, what I learned later in life was a pentigram...the hair on my neck is standing straight up and my stomach is starting to tightenso I know I'm heading where I shouldn't...they used this symbol in cult worship. I watched them coming down the stairs lots of people I didn't regognize but one face I remember quite clearly my mother they found me hiding in the closet and dragged me into the middle and just keep saying things to me I didn't understand just screaming in my face the floor is cold and I got to get away but they draged me back I was so scared I went to the bathroom in my pants they're laughing and saying what a piggy I am...I finally slipped away when they started ...I remember I used to try and protect my mother from my dad when they would fight I would do anything to try and please them... my dad would bring home beer on saturday and I would hide some so when sunday came they'd have beer and I was such a good boy then...when I was 10 or 11 my uncle came to stay and he was just as bad he'd tell my brothers to beat the crap out of me because I'd stay in my room and write they'd come in and read it and make jokes about what a sissy I was then they'd tear it all up and throw it in the garbage and then I'd get a good pounding, I guess that's why I throw everything I write in the garbage...I can still hear the laughter as my head bounced off a wall or two...once I tried to fight back and I kicked my eldest brother in the balls...they weren't laughing then and I remember grinning as they rushed me to the hospital with a concussion and broken ribs...I have to stop because I'm going down ...please don't judge my parents too harshly they probably had problems much like our own but back then they didn't understand the way they do now, I forgave them...and I understand lashing out which is why I left my wife and kids... no I didn't and I didn't want to take the chance that I might...I love my kids and they're mother with my entire being and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret seeking help instead of running...they have a wonderful father and they're mother is very strong...from what I've witnessed they seem a happy little family and for that I thank God...it should be me there not someone else it should be me... now I've done it...I'll continue later right now I need to cry...