For the longest time I wanted T to be soothing and encouraging and just very mother-like. The longest darn time. In fact, I've been seeing her for 4 years and only about the last 5 months has this fantasy finally dropped away, like awakening from a dream.

But nothing takes it's place.

I felt a strong connection, based on my fantasy. It was all in my head.
There isn't anything there now.
T is just a person who I talk to once a week and who I don't feel connected to. Except that I feel good when I arrive. I feel as if it could be a good place, but that doesn't materialize from there. Yet, I also feel like I'm in a familiar place but with a stranger, or with someone who I'm not 100% sure about. It's been 4 years for crying out loud. Where's the trust that's real (as opposed to the trust that was part of the fantasy).

I wonder if I am just incapable of being a decent human being.
Incapable of being grateful to her for the many little things she does, like returning a call or offering a Friday appt (she doesn't work Friday's) when she is going to be away on another weekday that is my appt day, reducing her fee.

I am a horribly negative person, always dissatisfied, angry, wanting to quit or run away or disappear in some way.

I just don't know how to make therapy any good. Or maybe it just isn't any good for me. Or me for it.