I would like to grow a beard without anxiety, paranoia and self-hate getting in the way.

I have a history of drug abuse in my teens and twenties and I guess I am paying the price now.

I am constantly on this cycle of shaving obsessively up to 4 times a day and then throwing all my and my wife's razors in the bin, determined to grow a beard.

I am not sure why I get the compulsion to shave. I usually feel happy when I first start growing my facial hair. Then it is as if I have to sabotage this feeling of comfort and happiness. I also get paranoid about what people will think of me if I have a big bushy beard. Basically, I make up reasons for having to shave.

I would really like some suggestions on steps I could take to conquer this behaviour???