I'm too nice for my own good sometimes, even when being nice seems to hurt me in the long run. I had a friend who had been seeing a psychiatrist, but he would only see her every three weeks or so, and I could hear she needed more support than that. I, for I don't know what reason, suggested she call my T, considering how possessive I can be when it comes to people I trust and adore, I usually don't want to share them. I'm that way with my friends, including my T. I told her my T wasn't taking any new clients, but maybe she could get on her waiting list. I even called my T to tell her about my friend and she told me to tell her to call the office, leave a voice message with her name and number, and say that she was my friend and she'd be sure to work her in. I hardly see this friend and I've only seen her a handful of times. We have been friends for less than a year. We do talk on the phone some, but not often. She is really sweet and is always saying I need to come and hang out at her house, but we never actually make it happen.

I really didn't think anything about her seeing my T it until my friend told me she had an appointment with my T. I got really sad that she was now officially going to be seeing my T, even though I was the one who suggested it. I wasn't expecting this to be my reaction at all. I've talked to my T about it and she was so helpful and understanding. She reassured me that she loved me, that she wasn't going to abandon me, or like my friend better and just toss me aside. These were all of my fears that I told her and it was nice that she understood and didn't think I was this crazy person.

After a while, I got over myself and never thought about it again, until this past Thursday when my friend was waiting in the waiting room. She had an appointment right after me. Let me tell you, I was not in a good place after that. It's still on my mind. I'm now sort of okay that my friend sees my T, but I don't want to have to run into her in the waiting room before or after my appointment. Therapy is a place where I don't have to feel guilty about focusing on myself for at least an hour or so, and I don't want to have to navigate the feelings I feel from seeing my friend, on top of dealing with my regular therapy issues as well. I don't want to have to deal with anyone I know when I'm at T's office. Actually, that's not entirely true because I have seen people I know there, and I am not bothered by it. I have another friend that started seeing her and it bothered me for a small while, but I'm over that. It's just this particular friend seeing my T makes me jealous and I don't know completely why that is. If we could just not have therapy before or after each other that would be great for me.

Tonight on the phone my friend told me a little bit about her session with T and I didn't want to hear about it at all. I admit that I do feel quite jealous, with all honesty. When she had her first appointment I told her that I didn't want to share my sessions and I didn't want to hear about her's as well, because it would just be too weird for me, but apparently she forgot about our agreement. I feel so selfish for feeling this way. I am one of the most loving people on the planet, but I have a real problem sharing the people I love with anybody. I'm so, so afraid of being abandoned.

Do you guys think it's unreasonable to ask my T to try and not schedule my friend on the days I'm there and vice versa? I would be more than happy and willng to be the one who is moved around on the schedule since this is my problem and no one else's. I have standing appointments at the same time every week on Mondays and Thursdays and my friend is scheduled on whatever day and time that T has open for now, I'm guessing. I don't want her to make any special concessions for me, and I feel so bad even thinking of asking her to do that when she's done so much for me already. She's the best T on the planet. I feel like a complete fool for wrestling so much with this and feeling like a scared child, but that is how I'm truly feeling. I'm definitely going to share this in my session this week. I'm not afraid of talking to T about anything, because I always feel so much better when I tell her what is bothering me even if it's probably silly.

Squiggle, I know you understand how I'm feeling.

If you read through all of my rambling, THANK YOU so much for listening.