my heart stopped when I started reading this.. why? b/c a friend of mine, also named Gareth, committed suicide too, shortly after new years and it was one of the most horrible things to deal w/. we weren't as close as you two but I know how hard it was for me, it was hell. 4 yrs later it still hurts. If I can say one thing I would tell you not to go through this pain alone... reach out to people. You can't ever really know the why, but even if, pls don't blame yourself... I am so sorry you're going through this.