I'm very confused. I know after the fact that some of the things that I thought were really happening were not. That 12 helicopters did not land on my front yard at 3 am makes perfect sense to me once I've been in the hospital for a few days. after mania I realize it was mania.

Other things not so much. right now and for the past few days, I've been trying to remind myself that my dr. did not give me a placebo to test how much my mind is making me feel better, whenever that thought comes in my head. I am trying to use rational thought but I don't believe it.

I'm not manic. I'm kinda sad and down but not lethargically depressed. But I am freaking paranoid about everything. I keep myself from calling my husband to convince him not to leave me because he made a frown at me this morning I think he doesnt want to come home.

Lately I think everyone is testing me. I hate it. I also think everyone is laughing at me. My moods have not been too extreme. Last week was an awful mixed episode but this week my mood seems average. I am really afraid to talk to my therapist about this. I dont want to be put back in the hospital.

Can anyone relate?

I am trying to figure myself out but I jsut keep getting more confused. The bipolar books ive read dont talk much about this. I have weird visual and perspective problems that happen in extreme moods and out of it. My psychosis is worse when i am depressed, not manic. I feel like not anything at all, I just have severley flawed dna and this is just normal for me.