I can really relate to the dissilusionment left over after the fantasy has faded away. I have been with my T a long time, 15 years, and i have spent a large portion of that time fantasizing about him being my dad, about going back in time and being re-parented by him, about being rescued by him, and on and on. In my head, I made him SO MUCH BIGGER than ANY human being can be, and so, yes, when I am forced to come to terms with the fact that he isn't all those big things, and that he can't ever be....it's like a loss, almost a death of sorts that needs to be mourned.

I totally get the feeling of not really knowing what is left after the fantasy goes. It's almost like the whole relationship needs to be reevaluated. My sense though, is that it is in this place of acceptance of reality, that real healing is able to happen.

I don't believe that you are incapable of appreciating what she DOES give. I just think that it really really takes a lot of practice to shift the focus from the negative (noticing what you don't get), to the positive (noticing what you DO get). It takes a lot of really active focus and learning, and it's hard. Really, really hard.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Letting go of the fantasy allows you to enter new territory that is scary, and foreign. Give yourself some time to figure out how to work in this place. Keep going.....don't give up!!!