I guess I have been trying to beat this major depression for about 4 years, I am sad to say it's been that long.
I began with psychotherapy once a week and then moved up to twice a week last year. This year I added a weekly Al Anon session and just a week ago I added a weekly ACoA session. I am also going to couples therapy every two weeks with my partner... Yikes, that's a lot of therapy. But truth is, I don't know what else to do. I guess when the cr*# hits the fan when you turn 30, the only way out is through. Blah. I really just want to get back to a more normal type of functioning.
That leads me to medication.
I have a little problem where I sort of fear it. I know other people have been bothered by this. How do you overcome it?
On days like today I think - Geez, I just NEED SOMETHING.
I hate the physical feelings of depression. I feel so damn sad, as if my heart were totally broken. I am either on the verge of tears, or sobbing, nauseous, exhausted, foggy, numb. After a breakdown this morning, I managed to pull myself together and go out with my partner to run errands. I push through and I am getting better at that (on the surface), but then sort of go around feeling like a half a person. I put on a smile for my partner but I am only sort of there, you know? My heart still hurts, really hurts. I used to worry about whether or not people could see I looked awful now I don't even care. If they see my eyes are red, I'll tell them its allergies.
I have actually been on the max dose (900 mg) of St. John's Wort for nearly two years. I know this herb is actually prescribed in Germany so I went for the trustworthy German brand that doctors use there. The thing is, I think it is really meant for mild to moderate depression symptoms and I have moderate to severe symptoms. This means that when I'm moderate, it works pretty well to keep me out of the "hole" without any side effects. But on days the depression is severe, it doesn't do enough. To make matters worse, I don't always take the 900 mg. Sometimes I take only 300 mg or 600 mg. I mean, what is WRONG with me? Why do I even sabotage myself this way? Then I wonder, even on days where it works enough to keep me out of the deep hole of depression - could I be doing better? I still feel exhausted most every day. I did join a gym and I try and get there but even that good feeling of exercising doesn't last. I still feel nervous, jumpy, foggy, numb - sort of just barely functioning. So I think, am I kidding myself?
Thing is, I tried two other meds and suffered panic attacks and insomnia while on the smallest doses: celexa and zoloft. On only 5 mgs! Do I just need to push through the side effects with those meds? Probably...
It's like: when you feel bad, the idea of feeling any worse just sucks.
Well, I certainly am rambling on. Oh well, thanks for letting me... I am just working this stuff out.