Thanks for your support, all.

I've been kind of up and down the last couple of days. The last couple of weeks, really. My anxiety has been through the earth, especially with anything school-related. I'm not sure why it's worse now than it's been in the past but I nearly have a panic attack doing something as simple as checking my email. I'm going to make a doctor's appointment on Monday, and I have a friend who has said she'll check to make sure I've done it. I don't know why I haven't done it yet; the thought of picking up the phone and making the appointment -- which I've done at least every other month for the last three years -- has somehow become overwhelming.

The only thing that helps is writing. It's the only thing that I can do. Today I wrote for five hours without stopping. I feel guilty because I should be catching up on all the work I've been missing, but the thought of academics makes me feel sick. Writing for myself is the only thing I can do without feeling miserable. I've been writing obsessively for the past few days, like I need to purge myself of something, I don't know. But it gets me out of bed and out into the world (I write best in coffee shops or the library) and while I do it, I am genuinely happy. It's the only time that I feel alive, like I don't need to curl into a ball and hide from the world and like I have something to look forward to. The instant that I stop, the bad feelings return. But still, I should be doing the academic work. That's what I pay tuition for. That's why I'm here. Essentially what I'm doing now is wasting time and money the same way I would be if I just didn't get out of bed at all. I just wonder ... if I'm capable of writing shouldn't I be capable of studying? I know that the one thing brings me comfort and the other is largely triggering but I feel like I should be able to work through that as I have in the past. I feel like I've regressed in the past few weeks.