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Mar 05, 2011, 07:23 PM
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Member Since: Oct 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 574
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Sorry for the mess you will read and see below.
Yesterday was great!
But i am terrified and tired right now (i know, a weird combination). I should not be an adult. I should not be alive even. Yet i am. And i am involved in so much. Any moment the house of cards will fall, and more will see all this mess that is me. I just can't or don't want to be or do better it seems. It makes so much more sence to be bad. I am bad.
Yesterday I:
-made it to work on time
-helped with set up and clean up well
-thoroughly involved as part of the team (not just "a student visiting and doing a co-op")
-got positive feedback and helpful critism on activites and assignments implemented at the co-op
-and enjoyed the satisfaction of checking off tasks off my LONG to-do list of work and school and everything else...
This week though has just been horrible. A pile of nerves. Breaking down in classes all week. Failing everything. Not going to work. Not following through on any other necessary responsibilities. Hating GOD's response to forgive and be gentle so i can be more open to love. Hating my doubts and fears. Hating all noises around me of functionality and day-to-day routine...
Others say attend and keep going to get more and learn more. You learn by doing and make mistakes and improving. All those others are positive, looking at great potential that is possible and have time avaliable to dream and continue. This is especially true in working with children - preschoolers, kindergarten children, schoolage, youth - and one is just in awe of them exploring and experiencing and smiling and progressing. Outside of me seems to be noisy with everyone functioning and continuing in some way.
Inside and within though is just a painful fog of words and images and memories and judgements and all is just wrong. I am wrong. I am bad. I am screwed up. And it hurts. Yet, when I close up and cry and cry and cry because the surrounding pain and sobs - which sound really loud when i curl up in a ball and clamp my hands over my ears - make sence. Restores equilibrium. Resets myself as negative which seems more true than the random flukes of "great days".
I am sick. In too many ways. I realize now that i have just been falling more and more since the new year, since January, since i turned 25 (December 29th). The anxiety seems to be that bad. Why? I should be well and do well and continue. How? To do more be more and do/be good. How? By not being, doing, and continuing as me. Not just: try "going on autopilot" or start a new day by being/doing whats right. But as far as: I should just STOP.
I dont want to ground, think about the positive, try to "appreciate" or "be grateful", or consider any other therapudic skills to be "okay" with me. I don't want to be bugged anymore about how triggers hurt - like classes on child abuse and how important ECE teachers can be, leading me to wonder about what about the people left behind that weren't helped by CAS. I don't want to deal with how I am no longer litterally beaten or cussed out by those that know me the best, yet am bashing myself inside by myself. Really, the more and more I think about it, the more and more i just HATE everything about me. The fear, shame, rage, selfishness, irresponsibility, disobedience, mess, ugliness, sickness, worthlessness forever swirl around and around until all i literally want to do is throw up and vomit.
I wish all the badness that i am could be torn and cut out. Then i could scrub and clean at the raw wounds. The wounds will kinda scar and heal due to the abrasive disinfection. Yet the scars, as repulsive as they would be, could also keep everyone away as there would now be physical proof of how bad i am. As opposed to those asking "What's wrong?" or "I'm not sure what you are saying/seeing because that is not what i say/think of you..."
 I am s#!t. So screwed up and bad and wrong. Seriously, how much longer should/could i continue. I want to/need to just give up, quit and stop. 
Again i am sorry that you have to see/read all of this mess that makes no sence. I don't know what's my point. For now, i can no longer keep this all in. So *BLAUGH!*  *while curled up in a bawl*
(small voice - i am sorry everyone  )
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