There isn't a big enough to send to everyone who responded.
I am amazed when someone can understand where I'm coming from, especially at a time I can't even seem to put many words to it.
What you have given me is so great, so important. Your understanding, your listening, and helping me make sense of it. And the more words, the less I feel like I am a failure or therapy is failing or T is failing. You've given me time to think more and allow myself more room around these feelings, to not just slam the failure stamp on it all and prepare to toss it.

Poor T's look of surprise when I suddenly at the end of the session asked when we would ever get into deeper things after exploring what she thought I wanted to explore. Are you saying that you're disappointed? My answer of "Yes" scared me. But I do think I understand it better now. My disappointment is about her being real and not the fantasy T I think I was wishing for, not only in the session but a phone call between sessions. And I have noticed that I am back to not wanting to connect with anyone, the protective "I don't care" "It doesn't matter" way I stay back and push others back. First I feel really good, strong, capable, independent. Then I get lonely and don't know how to undo what I did. It's like I go too far with it. First everything matters and matters too much, then nothing matters. It reminds me how I have described how anxiety seems to be the flip side to depression; one relieves the other.

So, how to just be. To just be there and present. Not being present, but seeming to, is another defense and a really hard one for me.

I'm tired and this makes sense to me. lol. Probably is rambling to others.
But mostly, I just wanted to tell every single person who responded a realy big and heartfelt thank you!!