I am amazed when someone can understand where I'm coming from, especially at a time I can't even seem to put many words to it.

And I have noticed that I am back to not wanting to connect with anyone, the protective "I don't care" "It doesn't matter" way I stay back and push others back. First I feel really good, strong, capable, independent. Then I get lonely and don't know how to undo what I did. It's like I go too far with it. First everything matters and matters too much, then nothing matters. It reminds me how I have described how anxiety seems to be the flip side to depression; one relieves the other.

So, how to just be. To just be there and present. Not being present, but seeming to, is another defense and a really hard one for me.

I'm tired and this makes sense to me. lol. Probably is rambling to others.