I hate this, actually.

T and I will talk about it, and he will say this is the part of therapy that isn't fair. He always says that. And he seems like he feels bad about it, and he probably does, because he's good at being in that middle place. He can feel bad that I'm left alone sometimes, wondering why he isn't responding AND he can feel okay that he's doing whatever he's doing and not responding.

But. Here I am. I think what feels extra bad is the fact that I was already in this place of SHAME, and his lack of response makes the shame that much bigger. Like, this proves that I'm too needy-bad-icky-timeconsuming-crazy, like this proves that I'm unlovable, for real.

I *know* that T is out there. And I *know* that even if he's irritated with me for being too needy, there is still an underlying love/caring/whatever. But none of that FEELS true right now.

THIS is when I hate therapy. I mean REALLY hate it.