hi ((((((learning1))))))

When i reread my post it looked like it was a response to what you wrote, but it wasn't...I really appreciated what you said, and I hope I didn't sound...dismissive? argumentative? unappreciative? I read it and signed off of PC and then checked e-mail, found nothing from T, spiraled out a bit, and came back and posted. Thank you for replying (twice!)

MUE and Poet, thank you for your nice words. It's clear that T isn't going to reply tonight either.

Sometimes I think my neediness gets REALLY blown up in my head. Like...I e-mailed him yesterday, (the e-mail above) and called to ask if we could talk, and if not, if he could e-mail. That's it. It's not like I've called a million times or sent scores of e-mails or whatever. But I THINK about him and his lack of reply so much that it FEELS like I'm being so needy (I am, actually), but really, I was only on HIS radar for the 30 seconds it took him to read the e-mail and the 60 seconds it took him to listen to the phone message.

Damn this stupid medical procedure on Monday! I hate triggers because it makes everything so REAL, pulls me out of NOW, puts me back in childhood where I had no power or control.

I really need T. I'm having SUCH a hard time not going to the "he hates me" place. Oy.