this is a long post. thank you for taking the time to read this.
it's too long for me to explain all of it. a synopsis: my brother has always disliked me even in our youth. he's 20 months older than me. him the oldest, me the next out of 4 of us. he has an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with one of my younger sisters. whatever she tells him about me he believes. she is passive agressive towards me. he is brutally verbal and outwardly unkind to me.
recently i severed ties with my sister. i handled it by just not making any contact with her anymore to protect myself. there is no percentage in confronting her about her behaviors. (years ago she stole my monetary inheirantance and has never acknowleged her debt even tho i asked her many times to repay me. my entire family knew she did this but no one stepped up to the plate for me. it is too late to sue her).
i have tried to move on with my life tho it deeply hurts me to be treated this way. my brother continues to directly impact my life negatively even tho i do not converse with him anymore. he is relentless.
my sister tries to drive a wedge between my son and i. she too is relentless about my son and sometime succeeds. in time i am able to restore my relationship with my son tho he chooses to not speak up for me to everyone. in therapy i was told this would be the healthier response by him. but i have no control over why he doesn't do this. she also has denied to everyone that she owes me money. their reaction is non-supportive to me.
it is incredibly painful for me. it creates severe depression in me when a new thing arrives on the horizon. i never can anticipate another event. that is why i stay away from my brother and sister. not to be mean but to try to protect myself.
if i had my choice i wish i could blast away at them for trying to make my life so miserable...and why??!!?? but i know that there's no success in doing so. quoting my brother..."your mean and venomous hatred behavior toward family members"..etc. in reality i have no reason to criticize myself in how i have behaved towards them. i have not been unkind even when they stomp on me.
i know anger turned inward=depression. i know i take "blame" where i am not to blame. i was the scapegoat in my family growing up. i would say there's a pink elephant in the room! i learned in therapy that this caused them to be mad at me cause i acknowledged the dysfunction rather than pretend there was none.
i understand all these dynamics yet i still respond to these triggers. i know i have done nothing bad but i still internalize this negative reaction towards myself rather than the source from whence it came.
today is another day to be upset again due to a recent occurance. try as i do the depression is overwhelming. i find i can't overcome this reaction. i am always fearful of what they will comjure up next. "next" always comes.
distance from them doesn't work.
what can i do? all the many sessions in therapy about this has not enabled me to overcome this. it causes me to be very fearful of them.