i am curious to know if anyone else here has ever felt this way before. i've been an avid self injurer since i was 14 (that makes it a good 8 years). over the past decade, whenever i've wanted to cool my jets in regard to the desire to hurt myself, all i would do was imagine self-infliction as a way to deter the actual event. in other words, thinking about hurting myself was oftentimes enough that actually doing it. the same goes with suicide; it's easier and far less intrusive to fantasize about blowing your head off than to actually do it.

over the past year however, a new sort of desire has bubbled out from inside me. it started out in dreams; i'd be kidnapped and stabbed and left for dead, but the stabbing itself never hurt. sometimes, actually, it felt good. it was like popping the blade through all the layers of skin and into my insides. slicing through a cake, sticking a knife in jello. the point is, recently all i have the desire for is to stab myself, either with a knife or anything else protrusive enough to get the job done.

does anyone else feel this way? feel as though stabbing yourself in the torso would be a release, something to help with your problems, something to make yourself feel good? it's as though i have this compulsion, this unwavering desire to do this to myself.

i am safe and i can curb my enthusiasm for this form of self-injury, but i must admit the occurance of my cutting had increased.

i was just curious if anyone else feels this way or if anyone else can help me disertain this emotional conundrum.