Forgive my repetitiveness with this subject and the length of this post. I know the coping tools, the self-soothing techniques, and they sometimes do help. I've tried every medication, had decades of therapy. I just want to speak what's churning in me, to get it out a little. As soon as I woke this morning, my mind was instantly flooded with terrible depressing thoughts about my life. There is mental illness throughout my family. It's my inheritance. Despite reasonable intelligence, humor, kindness, a graduate degree, insight, and other talents, I've also had horrible self-esteem, overwhelming "treatment-resistant" depression, trauma, ADD, and anxiety. My concentration and memory have worsened steadily over time. All those things and introversion conspired to keep me single. I haven't been able to cope with workplace stress, adding poverty to the list. Entering my fifties 5 years ago, I began to lose hope of getting my life on track, in terms of work and love. I cannot cope with the stress of maintaining my sad looking little house, the demands of a large young dog, doing everything all alone. I feel like I'm imploding from the strain. My mood improves for a day, and then, the despair returns. If I sell the house I can't afford to repair, where do I go? Life is expensive everywhere. The latest stressor is a housemate who is an utter slob. I have trouble finding people to move in to such a small house. I had to give up my bedroom for the income.

I'm trying to follow the advice of my therapist and meditation teachers: acceptance of my life exactly as it is, and living in the present moment as much as possible, not the past or future. I'm trying. Still, the sorrow is enormous. I had a much larger vision for my life. It included a loving husband, family and friends, meaningful creative lucrative work, an inviting home, entertainment, travel now and then. Instead, I feel I'm living in a small dark box. Buddhist teachers speak of learning to want what you have, and not want what you don't have. Simple concept, but it's a wide rapid channel to cross. I just needed to vent, that's all. I'm sorry for my repetitiveness with my story, and hope I'm not being too tedious. There's no one besides my therapist to hear me IRL. There were no local support groups when last I checked, but I'll have to try again. Peace to all.