((((Tree))))

It is almost like we keep asking T and testing T over and over... expecting that ONE of the answers (out of the hundreds of times we ask) is going to result is us being harmed.

A HUGE part of being a trauma survivor is that we don't trust permanence. As a child, each day and month and year are our entire lives. It is all we know. What happens is that those we loved and depended upon for our survival could be absolutely PERFECT for hours, days, or even months or years at a time. Then almost out of the blue - WHAM!! Something would go wrong. Something might be VERY wrong. And we are hurt in a very big way.

What resulted was us always waiting for the proverbial "other shoe" to drop.
No matter how much love we were give, we knew that the person WOULD turn on us. All it took was time or just the right circumstances. If we had a B+ instead of that A - well suddenly instead of basking in tons of love and being supported, we may find ourselves being hit or screamed at, or being sent to bed without dinner ((Side note - I H A T E !!! the act of a parent taking away a basic NEED such as food as a punishment!! UGGGG!!!!!))

Along with all of this, we had to watch for clues as to when the bottom would fall out. Every single morning before daddy leaves, he gives us a hug and tells us to have a good day. Then one morning daddy walks out the door without saying anything. Our alarm goes off - something is wrong. And we know what happens on days daddy isn't happy. So we rush out the door to "fix" the situation - to give daddy and our universe another chance to make it right. We feel OFF. Daddy smiles and says "Oh I forgot something!" He says "Have a good day, Sport!" and gets into his car.

Ok... we didn't get the hug. It is still wrong. We will spend the entire day with this in our mind... wondering how we messed up. Wondering if when daddy gets home, will daddy be in one of his bad moods? "Will daddy hurt us again like he did that one day two years ago?"

Working with our T is a very delicate sitation. All of this will play out for us emotionally. Our job in therapy is to dig down and find out why we emotionally respond to the things that happen in the T relationship the way we do.

And even though it is such a strange (and sometimes scary) relationship, it really is a safe relationship. This is where we can heal.