Thank you all for your responses. They were thoughtful, wise and helpful. Madisgram, since going on disability 7 years ago, I've intended to volunteer, preferably using art, but let fear stop me. Part is stingyness with time, since I'm so slow in getting anything done. Part is guilt that my dog Sherman doesn't get enough stimulation even when I'm home, so I'm reluctant to leave him for blocks of time. These are crazy excuses, I know, and yet feel real to me. I have to move past them. I haven't been able to release guilt that he doesn't have animal companions or younger more active people in the household. It's even kept me from looking for jobs, which is really nuts, because then I worry about affording vet care.Though it kills me to think of giving Sherman up, I did some inquiring. I don't think I could handle the pain alone of advertising and screening homes. I'm afraid that I wouldn't find an exceptional home for him. And it takes energy to advertise and screen, especially when it's emotionally wrenching. So I "chase my tail" in that department, too. If I had someone to hold my hand, walk me through the process, knowing I wouldn't give my boy up unless I found a truly wonderful situation for him.

Your suggestion of walking is good therapy, and hopefully tomorrow won't be rained out like today. The rainy day impacted on my mood, I'm sure.

MissBelle, though subsidized housing feels a step even further back from my "vision" of the life I want, I did inquire 6 months ago, and the City told me the list was closed, they weren't taking applications. I've thought many times of wanting to move to a new area, wanting newness, change. Then comes the fears that Sundog mentioned, fear that I'm incapable of change, of handling the details, managing the stress, meeting new people, etc. Fear that I'd only bring my mind and problems to a new location, the "geographic cure".

Still, my situation must change. It's been slowly killing me staying frozen this way for the 16 years I've been in this house. I cringe to think that it's been that long in an untenable situation. I simply don't have the income to be a homeowner facing repairs. The latest is damage from an ice dam, leaking in the kitchen ceiling. I haven't found stable housemates because people find more spacious places and aren't interested in my cramped home.

Sundog, thank you for your support and faith in me. I totally identify with those fears of change, as you know. I hope that you all don't think I'm shooting down your help. I don't want to be frustrating to you. I'm digesting it, and I know that I need to move beyond my fears and resistance. It's just really hard, facing these changes without help, while I feel confused and exhausted all the time.