I'm not sure if this is the right forum to seek advice about my ex bf's abusive behavior. But I'll give it a shot. It's a long story so I hope someone will at least read it because I need some serious advice!

Well, my ex and I have a three month old daughter. We met a little over a year ago and he was going through a divorce which gave him two kids. Anyway, he was from California but ended up in Illinois because his wife moved back with their kids. (This was prior to their separation. Later to find out she was fleeing from him to be with her family where she had support.) He ended up moving to Illinois to be closer to me and his kids. This is when we became more serious.

At first he was wonderful and very attentive. Wanting to talk to on the phone about 7 times a day. If I didn't answer his calls right away and have to call him back he'd ask why I didn't answer right away. This was always a problem throughout our relationship. To solve this problem he bought me a blue tooth so that I would have no excuse to not answer his calls. He quickly became very possessive of my time and clingy. I have always been very independent and like my space which he couldn't and didn't even try to understand.
Intimacy was great with him but if I didn't want it or just felt like being held he would throw sort of a temper tantrum. Saying that I told him I’d never refuse him sex like his ex wife did - that I should always find other ways to please him if I didn’t feel like doing anything. So I always felt obligated to have sex with him no matter how I felt.
Shortly thereafter I became pregnant. Being a ‘good Catholic’ he did not believe in birth control. So we chose – rather he chose – to apply the rhythm method. Unfortunately it did not work in my case!

These control tactics he used prior to my pregnancy escalated. He wanted me with him all the time. If I wanted to leave or didn't want to spend the night he would hold his hands under hot water from the faucet. (He revealed that he had on occasion attempted to commit suicide by hanging. He was also into self mutilation and cutting.) He would cry and claim I was abandoning him. How could I do such a thing? Leave him when he needed me! (He was going through a custody battle between him and his wife at the time).

Nothing I did was right. I had a tendency to arrive later than I had said and I’d get berated for it. He swore up and down that I was doing it to annoy him which I was not. I just have terrible time maintenance skills – always have. So I tried and tried to please him. He was like a bottomless pit. Demanding I be there for him especially now since I was pregnant.

During my pregnancy I was very ill. He never understood and would plead with me to go out with him regardless how I was feeling. Of course I gave in but we had to return home because I didn’t feel well. He was angry about that. We disagreed with everything from the way I wanted to give birth to knowing the sex.

I never felt comfortable staying with him because he didn’t take care of me. I was so ill that I needed someone to care for me so I went to stay with my mother. He was angry and asked me to give him a chance to care for me and his unborn child. I returned to his place to stay. However, one morning when I was sleeping I woke up to him having sex with me. I was so mortified I didn’t know what to do. He swore up and down that he thought I had said earlier that I liked having sex in the morning. I told him I did say that but when I’m awake and feeling well. He knew I was not feeling well at that time. Was this rape? I felt violated so I believe so.

After that incident I couldn’t stand to spend another night there. Nor could I have sex with him which caused more problems. So I went to my mother’s to stay for good. He called and pleaded for me to come back. But every time I did I would get flashbacks about what happened. I did spend the night though weeks after as well as have sex with him in order to appease him. But there were always more things about my behavior that I didn’t do correctly.

His mistreatment continued on and on for months until my 7th month of pregnancy I had had enough. I told him I wasn’t sure if I wanted him in the delivery room since his mood was so unpredictable. He was not happy with me and said I was a terrible mother. How I was denying our child the bonding experience with her father. No matter what he did he had every right to be in there with me. I told him that if he changed how he treated me I would let him in there. However he would only change for 3 days then go right back to mentally abusing me. So he left back to California a month before I gave birth.

We stayed in contact however he was still treating me the same way as before. When I had the baby he called me at the hospital yelling at me. Asking why we hadn’t called him when his baby was born. I tried to explain that I was so ill and couldn’t call anyone. I was going to call him after I felt a little better. To him however this was inexcusable. I felt terrible that I had done this to him. He was very good at trying to make me feel guilty for just about everything that went wrong.

Two days after I brought our baby home (my mom’s), he wrote me a letter saying how he had changed into a Godly man. What? He had changed by the grace of God now that Christ was the center of his life. I simply did not believe him. He said he was a changed man and wanted to marry me and take me and our child back to California with him. I was against this and very suspicious of this sudden ‘miracle’. I told him that I needed time to think about all of these changes he had made to see if they were true.

After delivery I was extremely ill for over 3 weeks. He came here to see his child and beg me to marry him. I got so many letters about how much he loved me and how he would give me all the time in the world.

Well I did not go back with him and agreed I would come out there with our child in the spring. However he wanted me to stay when I came instead of just a visit. I told him I needed to see where we would be living and possibly move out there in the summer. He did not like this whatsoever. He wanted me to move now because he was losing precious time with his child. I understood this but told him I needed more time to recoup from delivery as well as make sure he had truly changed. Day after day he would call and call harassing me about marrying him. Telling me that he had done all he had done to change and I wasn’t throwing him a bone. I tried to explain to him that I was too sick to even give him an answer right away. Not only that I was exhausted with a newborn – getting up every hour or so to breast feed. He called me 10 times a day. Sometimes I couldn’t call back because I was so tired I wasn’t able to think straight.

Finally, one day we were talking and he asked if I would ever marry him. I told him I wasn’t sure because I needed more time to trust him again. He wanted to know if he should keep contacting me and sending me letters. I told him to give me a little space and that I would call him. I still loved him and did want to make it work but only if he had changed his behavior toward me. Well, I would call him or text a week after this to let him know me and the baby were alright. I had still planned on coming in the spring.

However, one day when I called he told me he had met somebody. He wasn’t looking but it happened. I was absolutely torn to pieces. I couldn’t understand how he could go from professing his undying love to me then two weeks after take up with somebody else. It turns out that they spent a lot of time together (24/7) getting to know one another. He finally told me they were sleeping together and in a relationship. But he would drop her on one condition – that I move out to California and marry him.

He also told me a secret he had been keeping from me. One that he wanted to reveal in order for him to be completely honest. He said that while he was in Illinois he had sex with a girl he met off the internet. I was blown away! He then said there was one other thing he needed to tell me. However the only way he would was if I could look past his first offense. I agreed to accept him no matter what. He continues to tell me that not only had he been with one person but two. The other one being a guy! I didn't know what to say and actually thought he was lying to scare me off. So I said I could look past that as well. He was dumbfounded because he was prepared for me to dump him then and there.
Question: Does anyone think this was the truth or just to get rid of me?

I told him we could marry in a few months but not right away since he didn’t have feelings for me plus after dumping all this other stuff on me. He said he could probably get those feelings back. That was absolutely unacceptable. He claimed I wasn’t committed to him fully.

We went back and forth for several days arguing about what had happened. Of course I was all to blame for him taking up with her. If only I had told him how I truly felt none of this would have gone on. He then drops a bomb on me about a secret he was keeping. How he felt compelled to let me know before we try Only after trying for a few days he said he just couldn’t try anymore because he didn’t want to go through another breakup. He chose her because I had rejected him over and over again. Why should he screw up a good thing he had with her for someone that may reject him all over again. I couldn’t believe my ears since he was so adamant about making it work so his child could have both parents under the same roof. Now things were different.

Anyway, this is getting entirely too long so I will sum up what is going on right now.
About a week ago we Skyped so he could see our daughter. After that night he began to change. He told me he still had feelings for me but buried them because he was so hurt. As soon as he saw me he remembered how crazy he was about me. Lately he has been asking me hypothetical questions like – “would you ever consider marrying me in the future?” or “I was lying to myself when I said I had lost all feelings.” Then he changes and says that just because he asks me these questions doesn’t mean we will be together. Crazy making behavior!!!

The other night he actually apologized for sleeping with her and putting me through all this. It meant the world that he actually apologized. Then he tells me they may not be together anymore. I asked what happened and he didn’t want to tell me. But asked if I would believe they were having issues because of me. I told him I didn’t believe him since he had already chosen her over making a family with us. We hang up. He calls back and asks if I were to come out here would I marry him. I just said I didn’t know. He accused me of being wishy washy again. Our conversation ended with me needing him to figure out the details about where we’d live. Then he said he’d call the next day. It has been 3 days since I’ve heard from him. He has NEVER done this. He hasn’t even texted to see how our daughter is.

I am so hurt and don’t understand what is going on. I feel as if he’s abandoned us and it has to do with this girl he’s seeing. How could he go from wanting to fight for his kids to this? He isn’t even the same person I knew before.

Well I will leave it at that since this story could go on and on. But I am so depressed and cry everyday. I cannot stand this anymore. Is he still abusing me? Please help………….I know he is my daughter’s father but I feel like all he was angry with me about – keeping our child from him – he’s now doing.

Anyone……I need an objective opinion as to what he is doing. I’m so beside myself I don’t know what’s going on.