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Don’t even get me started on the “good Catholic” thing. Things have changed a lot in the church if divorce and pre-marital sex are now acceptable. It sounds like he will use any excuse in the book to do what he wants when he wants.
If you feel violated with that morning sexual experience then it was wrong. Rape… I don’t know it is a gray area. I may get some grief but I think in this case his intent (was he trying to be seductive or was he just going to have sex whether you wanted to or not) defines it. Some of the best sex I have had with my husband has started when one or both of us are asleep. Without being graphic, my husband has started sex many times with a caress while asleep. Afterward he used to say something like “thanks! You should wake me up like that more often!” To which I would reply “you started that! YOU woke ME up!” Now he just asks “who started that me or you?” But perhaps the main difference here is that I am in a loving, trusting relationship.
I could write a book on how unhealthy this relationship (as you have described it) is. But the fact is none of that really matters you have TWO priorities in your life now: 1) Your child 2) Yourself … in that order.
It really doesn’t sound like either one of you are in a place to be in a good relationship right now. It sounds very much like the grass being greener on the other side of the road and you OWE it to your child to give her a stable life. Do you really think you can do that with that roller coaster? It doesn’t sound like he can commit to dinner plans let alone a single person to be in a relationship with. Things are working out with Ms. Wonderful so why not go back to you until something better comes along?
This is NOT a good time in your life to be making long term decisions. Being a new parent is overwhelming. Don’t fall into the trap that being with him will some how magically make things “easier” or “better”. Your hormones are all over the map and being a parent will take up ALL of your time. Whoever came up with the idea to have a baby to save a relationship obviously has never had a child. Children are the biggest blessing and greatest gift we will ever have in this life, BUT they strain even the healthiest relationship. You have no privacy until they’re like… well mine are all adults now and I’m still waiting for that privacy we had before the kids were born. 2015 is looking promising but then there are the grandchildren and my mother is getting older, she may be moving in at some point… You have to be able to compromise your own desires for what is best for the children and secondarily what is best for yourself and each other. You have to be able to trust that when your partner is asking for something they need they are being honest rather than manipulative.
Sex is an excellent example. There have been many times over the years that I’ve agree to have sex with my husband not because I was in the mood, but because it’s been a long time and he’s only human. Don’t get me wrong, there were no underlying issues, I was just bone tired. And every time I thought “wow, I’d forgotten how much I like this, we need to do this more often.”
If you get married and issues come up (as they do in ALL relationships) does that means its ok for him just to find random people to have sex with because things aren’t working out right now? He couldn’t remain monogamous while you were carrying his child! In fact what has he ever done to make you believe he would honor any commitment to you at all? He’s shown you twice over that his own flesh and blood, his children don’t rate on his priority list. I’ve said it a million times if a man (in this case) doesn’t take care of his own kids, he’s certainly not going to treat you well.
As I understand it HE moved back to Cali. This is a decision HE made, he must live with the consequences. Think long and hard about making that move yourself. Once you agree to move out there, he can actually prevent you from bringing the child back to IL where your family is. Am I confused? Doesn’t he have TWO families in the area you are in? The family he moved there to be near and your child? And STILL he decided to move to the other part of the country? I call that really bad parenting! My own husband would follow his children (not as an excuse to be near me but to actually be a part of their daily life) even if he had to work to take two jobs working at McDonalds to support them.
Love and commitment do NOT have an expiration date. The amount of work he has to do to become a good father and husband takes years not days.
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children.
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