This is one aspect of life I will never be able to take part in. God, how this depresses me.

Tonight I was at my sister's baby shower. Since she lives out of state and came up for the baby shower and a trip back home, we invited everyone...men, women, and children. It was nice. Even the guys participated in the games! After awhile the depression started setting in. Little children were buzzing around everywhere, all the mothers with their children, and my pregnant sister. It's great that she's having a baby. It really is...but I'm not.

You see, either me or my boyfriend are incapable of having children. It's the one thing that I greatly desire. You know...the husband, the family...all of that. Seeing everyone move on in life with a family and being able to bear children really brings me down. My sister and brother are due on the same day...and then there's me who could never have a child. And I couldn't even adopt since they don't adopt out to people with mental illness.

People were talking about my mom there, too. I could just imagine my mom sitting there being so happy and everything...her grandchildren having such a great life and everything...then there's me. I can't offer anything. I feel like such a defective since I can't have children. It's like I think I have no value and have no purpose if I can't have children. I don't think that of other people that can't have children, but that's how I think of me. Yeah, I have a very strict double standard.

It's almost like I'm not much of a woman if I can't bear children. And I can't make my parents proud with grandchildren, either. I've seen the look in their eyes when they look at the other kids, the grandchildren...and know they will never look at me that way or look at the children I will never have that way.

I've tried everything to get pregnant. I have sex all the time, don't use protection with my boyfriend, have even tried to have sex when I'm most fertile...all of that and nothing! My aunt suggested not having sex as often and just doing it once in awhile and doing it when I was most fertile...still nothing.

I already feel like there's something inherently wrong with me...and this only compounds the feeling. Sometimes I feel like women just are flaunting their fertility and ability to have children in front of me. I know that's not what they're doing but it feels like that sometimes.