rose, help me out on this-are you still in therapy? i hope so and that your T is qualified to walk you thru this mire taking small chunks of the known and unknown fears you have. the fear is immobilizing you. the worries immobilize you. you need professional help to overcome all this, imho. i feel if you're like me i could have never untangled the mess alone. i had no self esteem, fear, worry, feelings of being hopeless and helpless, etc. i trusted my T. i felt safe when i talked about everything. he was gentle with my fragile self.
i have an excellent book about rational living. if you're interested let me know in a pm. you have much more value and worth than you realize. you are articulate, you're caring of others, you're talented. i'm so sorry you have the concerns you have. i hope we can help you the best we can to offer support and friendship to you. lots of love and hugs