...it just never lasts.

And it doesn't just fade away like 1 needs to refuel a car for it to work. Life could be okay. Then you crash. The accident report shows that you crashed because you weren't paying attention or being realistic. You are punished - judgement, rage, rejection, ripple effect, shame and guilt. You learn to prevent making a mess in any way because all that happened is YOUR FAULT AND YOU ARE BAD, STUPID, SCREWED UP.

THe logical solution after failing too many times and being bad in too many ways is to just stop.

So it really doesn't make sence to me to be distracted by hope or joy or whatever because it does just eventually lead to destruction - that is me destroying too much when i fall back into reality.

It does baffle me to see others hopeful though. That's why its easier to be by myself so i don't bring others down. It is also disorienting sometimes when i'm with children. This same mindset above can't and shouldn't be used on another 4 year old who just so happens to be dumping out all lego pieces and blocks to find the green train with silver stripe because that train works the best on the "curvy peices (tracks), see!". This same mindset can't and shouldn't be used on a 7 year old who's been told not to share snacks because of allergy concerns because that child helped make 3 muffins being broken into pieces and passed around to everyone ("I helped pick the blueberries when i went shopping with mommy and daddy and then i added chocolate chips and then they melted. Thats why its all swirly brown and blue!"). This same mindset can't and shouldn't be used on a 14 year old because the eyerolling is telling you that they are bored, don't need to be lectured or patronized, and are wondering when will they get a chance to respond...

But i am a hypocrite. And full of s#!t. Selfish and foolish. Disgusting and repulsive. Pointless and worthless with all the mess I've created and all the mess i am...