I lost it this morning on the only ice patch on the road, and crashed into a tree. Unfortunately, it was just the smaller tree, not the bigger one that might've withstood the crash instead of me. Came to a stop over its' stump, with the tree snapped off in front of the 1 1/2-2ft dent in the dead center of the front of my car. No fear... is that weird? Just the thoughts going through my head "REALLY???? Is this SERIOUSLY HAPPENING?!?!?!" (frustrated tone) and my voiced "damn it!" on impact. My engine was still running, music on the radio, little smoky smell... figured I should turn it off. Wasn't feeling any pain, so out with the cell phone. "Hey dad, I just crashed, I'm ok, the car's not, I'm at (1 mile away). Called you first. Yeah, I'll call it into the police. You coming to pick me up? Thanks..." Lovely towing bill and a ticket... guess I'll contest the ticket - I seriously wasn't doing anything wrong or dangerous. I'd just driven on a bunch of roads without encountering any ice, and this road wasn't the least bit slick until this one shade patch. Not even the other shade patches were slick. I was just going the regular speed, thinking about how nice it was that this road was clear but planning ahead for the side road I'd be turning on soon, of how I'd take it really slow so I wouldn't end up in the ditch because I expected that road to be shaded, insufficiently salted, little-traveled and icy. Sure my insurance won't help me any either, just go up. Damn it, I'm a safe driver, it could have happened to anybody, and almost DID happen to a guy in a pickup while the police were there - lucky bum slowed because of the police car's lights/a visible crash scene I'm sure, but when he hit the ice he did a 360 and ended up sliding into the embankment on the other side of the road, facing the opposite way he was going, but undamaged and able to drive away. Would've been me if our timing was reversed. So now it's night, and I'm sitting here feeling the soreness coming on, and going "why me?" - if I'm going to total my car couldn't it just be deadly? Of course not, I just know I'm going to live to old age. But alone. As it always has been. So depressing. I can interact with people, but not connect with them. People aren't supposed to live life alone! But it's always been this way, it's still this way, how can it ever change? I've run out of things to try, out of suggestions. Just slugging on through the lonely emptiness, fighting to stay afloat in grad school so I can do the work I want to do, so I can do as much with my life as I can, but never in what I really need. And with absolutely no options, no wiggle room... I somehow make it through, or I crash into a more miserable state, unable to work, on disability, in and out of the hospital, school bills spilling over, living at my parents', never going out, surely unable to kill myself even if I tried - which I can't imagine doing because of the one joy in my life - my nephew, who couldn't possibly understand. My brother's son. Another issue... my brother's life is so blessed, I was so jealous of him when we were kids - he had friends, and seemed better adjusted, and though he's not even a year younger than me my parents expected quite a bit more out of me than him. I don't want to be jealous, I love him, and his wife, and his wonderful little boy... but it's hard seeing all that when things are constantly so hard for me. He doesn't even have any health problems passed from our parents... like I do.
I'm done ranting. Maybe I'll get some ice cream from the freezer. And wish my fat away...