There are times when no matter what you do, it isn't enough. I know that much. I've experienced it enough times, too.

None of what you are doing is gonna help you out, though. I really do think you need crisis intervention or something like that right now. If you don't want to do that, try some more positive copers. I know that exercise works wonders if you are able to do it. I know that some people are disabled physically and cannot participate in exercise. Taking a walk works pretty good. I don't have a problem getting high once in a while, either but you have to come back down off that high sometime and it may be worse for you when you do.

Please try to make yourself safe.