I just got back from my session and I have to get my feelings out. Something happened today but I'm not sure what. I'm a little shaky. I didn't know what to talk about so I let my T choose. She wanted me to talk more about how I felt when I saw her with another client, or when she mentioned her friend on the phone. It was hard for me to say; I got very scared to talk! She wanted to know the negative feeling about myself, like was it: I'm not special. I said that wasn't exactly it. Maybe more like "I'm not as important as (fill in the blank)."

So she wanted to do EMDR about that thought and the idea of me feeling left out when we used to watch familly movies that only had my brother in them because I wasn't born yet. I used to cry and say "what about me?"

In the course of the EMDR, I felt weird and my mind always switches to something about T and me. I didn't want to tell her, but I did! It was "I feel disappointed/angry/depressed because you didn't get me a birthday present or a card. I hated telling her that but I couldn't stop thinking it so I told her.

Then I said I wanted to stop. I wanted to throw the buzzer things at her and told her. She said she doesn't give any client birthday presents. I was getting more sad and angry. There was 10 minutes left and she asked what could we/she do. I said "I want a birthday card!" She said suddenly "we could do that" and got out paper and markers and said we would make it together!!!!

Tree, it reminds me of you talking about writing on the board with your T. She wrote Happy Birthday on the front and drew a flower and sun. Then she wanted me to write inside what I wanted to say to myself. I was still angry so I wrote I love you and I won't leave you, and drew hearts under it. Then I wrote "I don't want to be___" (my age) with a sad face underneath. She then wrote good things about being that age. On the back she made a heart and wrote "love @ hugs" and her name.

Meanwhile, on another piece of paper I took the purple crayon and scribbled all over it and tore it into pieces. She took it and said she will save the pieces and we will make a collage from them. I said I wanted to finger paint and she said we'd do it next time!

Then it was time to go and we hugged. Oh, WOW! I expressed my anger for the first time. I told her I got the card I wanted. Not exactly, but this was more therapeutic and we were so connected those last 10 minutes. The card was for a young part of me and satisfied me, especially us doing it TOGETHER.

I'm shaky!!! This was mindful and connected and scary! She says my protectors stop me from getting to the hurt/sad/parts when we do EMDR. She asked if I knew what I'm afraid of but I don't know.

She liked my cookies too.