I do enjoy trail riding....however after my horses fall which took me out too (while about 1 1/2 miles from the ranch), I have horrible anxiety attacks everytime he even trips. I thought that a trail ride would help last week & ended up with white knuckles & numb hands from hanging on his face with the reins when we went out with a group of friends from the ranch. I turned back because I couldn't justify hanging on his face that bad. I usually enjoy the change from the arena training because I can use his natural being to try new things & it is really fun.....but after the fall, it has become quite difficult to get myself to go across country.

My stress level that day was so bad that when I came home from the ranch, I passed out while taking a hot shower. What a scarry feeling.....all of a sudden, I was falling & came to after hitting the tub pretty hard. My psychologist told me that it was probably stress that had built up so bad that I just shut down. It happened again the next day when I was walking out to my car. All of a sudden, I was on the garage floor....go figure. I realized that I really needed to get away.

I did get away for New Years & you probably read......SeptemberMorn & her husband opened their door to me along with 2 of my eskies to visit. It was the best New Years I have spent in years....& definitely much better than being in the hospital like I was last year at this time (for 2 months on & off around my Mothers funeral) being treated for anorexia.

I was well rested after the weekend & enjoyed getting to know Tomi & her husband along with 2 of her grandson's & met her son & DIL. What a fantastic time. It was raining (which is a horrible trigger for me) but the warmth & friendship kept the trigger from hitting me until I got home the next day. Luckily, I had an appointment with my psychologist Monday evening. We went over some really difficult issues with everything flooding into my mind right now. I woke up the next morning with the worst anxiety attack I have had in years. I just couldn't get myself out of bed....the heart pounding & tears flooding for hours. I just couldn't function all day & couldn't even get myself out of bed to take care of my responsibilities at the ranch (I know it is bad when I can't even go to the ranch). The fear of that feeling becoming permanent & not being able to fight it off is constant & fighting it off is almost impossible. My psychologist keeps telling me that the feeling will go away......& I was finally able to kick myself in the rear & get out to the ranch on Wednesday......but I stay by myself while I am there & get home as fast as possible. I am so tired of feeling horrible. It is taking it's tole on my weight again......feeling so sick that I just can't seem to get much food down right now....which I know only adds to my feeling even more horrible. Landing in that viscious circle again is scarry.....& fighting it off is so hard. At least this year I have been able to stay out of the hospital.....my weight hasn't gotten dangerously low & I need to fight to keep it from going there.

The tough part is that my psychologist is on a week vacation & unfortunately he will be gone at the year point when my Mother died. He told me he has another psychologist on call for him while he is gone, but talking to someone else isn't that easy for me. I did have a good one when I was in the hospital last year......the hospital had 1 pdoc & 1 psychologist that my GP got to work with me there, but I have a hard time opening up to anyone. I did end up with my pdoc appointment this week too & he knows everything I have been going through.

Then to top all of this, I finally went through all the invoices & checks that I paid to the Contractor that has been fixing up our home so we can sell it. I calculated an overpayment of $2200......& then there is over $2700 of work that has been paid for & is not completed. That is what happens when I let my husband (soon to be ex) be in charge of things when I am not feeling well enough to take charge of things myself.....& he complaines because I am so "controlling". This is what happens when I am not able to control things when I am dealing with my own anxiety/depression/PTSD issues. I can't afford to have any problems because this is what happens when I am not able to take care of things. This contractor is our across the street neighbor & I told him on the phone that I wanted him to arrange a time when we can go over all of the invoices & checks without interruption & I would provide a list of incomplete items. I hate it when people try to sweet talk you by saying that we are friends & that there isn't a problem. He has always had excuses for why the work hasn't been done.....they came to the door & no one answered.....of course, they never called to make an appointment like professionals do.....needless to say.....I am very very vey pissed & know he is going to try to sweet talk his way out of owing us this much money back. Got news...if I have to, I will go to small claims court. I am so tired of getting taken advantage of.

This is all I need on top of everything else I am going through right now.....it is hard to concentrate on anything, so I have every little detail written down.....besides if I have to go to court, I will need all the information anyway.....might as well be completely prepared.

I am so exhausted both physically & mentally even after the wonderful weekend with Tomi.....but at least I can say I had a wonderful relaxing weekend away from all of my hassles....& that is worth more than anything.

Debbie