getting distinctions at college; learner of the month; lecturer's reason to be cheerful; ahead of rest of class; gifted and talented group; energetic; enthusiastic; motivated; happy.

where did it go wrong? suddenly everything has gone to complete and utter crap again. the thoughts. i cant stop the thoughts. not just the suicidal ones. but also the paranoid ones - the thoughts such as "i'm in a fake world set up to push my limits to breaking point" or "i think my mum is trying to poison me" - ones ive come to realise are stupid and unfounded; yet replaced by more.

such a long post already. and i doubt anyone cares. im not any help to anyone. why should anyone ever try to help me?

started self harming again. it never helps. but i can never stop.

college is a drag. i want to drop out. i want to do more than just drop out. and im angry and pissed off at people i used to be close to. i cant speak to people about my problems, i hate talking. especially not my mum.

lifes full of overdoses, self harm and suicidal thoughts.

ALSO...fed up of people calling me a mystery. it just makes it feel even more obvious that im alone and nobody understands.

tired; paranoid, unenthusiastic, behind on grades, failing assignments, not handing in assignments (at all: not even late); no motivation whatsoever; struggle to get out of bed; struggle to stay out of bed; suicidal thoughts; self harming; depressed; lonely; angry; frustrated; in it alone#

i dont even know.