For me, just a little cutting isn't enough. I tried yesterday, but it didn't help, just made me want to do it bigger, deeper. Want to cut myself to shreds actually. I am also using eating, but trying to not eat much at all. Just feeling really self-destructive like you. Not promising my t anything, and she mentioned hospital. It might have to be the thing, but I also feel like I need to "prove" that I have to be there.
So, I feel for you. T's always want us to not do what we want to do, I guess because it's harmful and ultimately doesn't help. (It's gotten me quite angry lately)
Please get the help you need, you are a special person.
HUGS