Quote:
Originally Posted by madisgram
hi disressed, i believe your family chooses not to have the capacity to validate you and your feelings. trying to explain your position won't help either cuz they r what they are. my family was/is the same way. in therapy i learned what this all was- invalidation.
can you move out of the house and have your own place? it is prob unbearable living at home. but if you have to stay there here's what i'd do:
avoid being at home as much as you can.
absolutely try not to let your sister/uncle/mom push your buttons. a way to do this effectively is to respond to anything they say with this-"i'm sorry you feel that way." if they do try "button pushing" again, and they will, repeat "i'm sorry you feel that way", etc. this way you are taking away their power. u're not engaging with responses other than the repetitive one i'm suggesting. you're not trying for family to understand you cuz they won't, distressed.
their behavior is disfunctional. you will not "win" by responding and getting upset because of it. that is their "pay-off".
it was explained to me like this in therapy-you are "tossing the basketball back to them" when you keep saying that same thing. it will drive them crazy cause they get so frustrated that you don't give them the power. remove yourself from their presence if you can by saying, "perhaps when your behavior is more appropriate we can discuss this."
i've used this in the past with a verbally abusive husband. it really works  but the key is don't buy into their comments/behaviors. repeat, repeat, repeat...good luck.  you can do this. |
Thanks so much for this suggestion, it totally makes sense! I do have another thing with this though, in this case, I had three people with me, my sister instigating everything/everyone, my uncle, my mom. In this case, if i were to say I'm sorry you feel that way, my uncle would pounce on me and say "sam that was so wrong, your sister is being so caring and you're behaving this way..." He doesn't know what she does that is bad, he only knows what she's telling him. In this case, do i need to defend myself? because when i told him, she didn't even get me anything for my brithday, he told her that was very wrong but then she turned it back with but i gave her diamond earings and i said that's two years back!
and it sort of went back and forth from there.
The reason I try to defend myself is because i dont feel my uncle really has a very clear picture of whats happened in the past and if i let her speak, he'll think I'm accepting I'm wrong.
And if i say "i'm sorry you feel that way" (which i'd have to say like 6 times with my sister, coz she dooesn't get boundries), I'd have to walk out, and madisgram, EVERY time i've walked out from a situation, EVERYONE follows me and starts accusing me of throwing a tantrum, when i'm only avoiding the situation and trying to gain back my mental peace!! Then everyone sits and says "omg she's so stuck up. she has an attitude problem, etc etc".
I think your suggestion does work perfectly when you're just with one person though and thanks for giving me this suggestion, i will definitely be trying it out.
But, Do you think I should still continue with i'm sorry you feel that way in a group and let my uncle think I'm accepting I'm wrong?
This situation also triggered a very strong memory in my head that I just realized. My sister used to get my SA to yell at me, she'd always go crying to him about whatever I had done (which was always in response to her abusing me), and how everyone would get on her side and I'd be alone trying to defend myself as a child ( i just realized this today morning).